Kink vs. The Real World

I’ve always been interested in how our sexual desires inform the way we move around the world. 

Are the CEOs and leaders of the world dominant in the bedroom? Are submissives as happy working underneath someone as they are being underneath someone? These have been my musings.

I have heard talk of the plight of the bragadocious man, who overcompensates for his lack of bedroom dominance (or, perhaps, any bedroom skill at all) with money, possessions, and loudness. The true dominant, by contrast, feels no need to show off, as he is certain of his control. There may be an inverse relationship between leadership inside the bedroom and outside of it. 

I myself suspect that I bottle up my frustrations about not being in control until I can unleash them in the bedroom — perhaps I am more dominant than I know (my problem is that I am also lazy).

This isn’t the kind of problem that can be easily statistically evaluated. In college, I tried to gather as much information as I could by asking friends to take the BDSM test (for information on categories, check out bdsmtest.org). I found some great results – finding friends whose results aligned with my own, and using those results to evaluate our relationship dynamic. 

One friend took the test and scored very high on the ‘Daddy/Mommy’ category. I’ve noticed a protective vibe from them, and a willingness to accept even my most childish ideas.

Another friend, an extreme wallflower, received a high score on the ‘Voyeur’ category. I received a high score on the ‘Exhibitionist’ category. Looking back, I can see those elements played out in our friendship. I was always up to some antics that I would relay to them later, or that they would witness in person.

I don’t think there will ever be a good way of measuring this phenomena, and I honestly don’t think overarching statements can be made about any aspect of the human experience (except for death, perhaps). I still think it’s a good idea to look at how your sexual preferences may be influencing your life, and to reflect so that you can make sure you are channeling these energies productively and in a way that isn’t harmful.


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